(written on 28 July 2006)
Tonight as I sit on the train, beer at hand, the week done and waiting to depart Wellington for the Kapiti coast, I find myself analysing a thought that has been nibbling at me for a few days now.
Something triggered by a comment in a letter I received earlier this week. The scource is not important and the comment less so, given that the context and the text itself were not meant to provoke a response, analysis or reply. Fact is, it triggered a thought that I now need to explore and share.
It has to do with, for want of a better cliché, the honeymoon period.
That time when all is new and sparkling and the reviews are oft tainted by the desire to justify the decision. When the warts are there, but not seen for the blinkers and bias of the reviewer. Much, I suppose, like the adulterer coming to terms with the reality of the choices made. The initial excitement of the engagement is all consuming, all good and all that matters. Everything has a plausible outcome and the inevitable troubles that loom are easily dismissed.
That is where I have spent much of my quiet time these past few days. Those quiet hours when the mind disturbs your sleep in the small hours and you lie head on pillow, still, contemplating, dissecting, running and re-running the picture. Playing the scene this way and that. Stopping and recreating the scene each time the conscience is pricked by an un-truth, an embellishment or an omission of the raw emotion.
So what does it mean and where has it taken me?
I have discovered this; I am comfortable with our choice. Of this I am sure!
Even under the scrutiny of run-and-re-run, the application of the most illogic thoughts capable of a Capricorn and not ignoring my inherent stubbornness, of this I am sure.
Even when down-playing the achievements of the children and the acceptance they have earned from their peers, of this I am sure.
Even when I consider that my Love is forging a career and rightfully garnering immense respect from her clients, her peers and her superiors, of this I am sure.
Even in the face of new career challenges, of this I am sure.
I am sure that OUR life in New Zealand is the life we want.
I am sure that I do not need to sell our decision to be here. It is our decision and I do not have to justify it. I no longer seek confirmation from the children whether our decision was a good one, or not? I no longer feel threatened that my Love may be unhappy with our circumstance.
I am comfortable now that whether I sing New Zealand’s praises or take exception to it’s warts, I do so from my perspective of life and the world. I am not writing New Zealand’s resume, rather, I am documenting my life experience and setting it there for others to consume as they wish.
I am glad to have this resolved for myself! It creates a freedom of expression and I look forward to expressing my life’s experience thus.